I want to be the man who saves a life. Change lives and then change the whole world!! To make promises to people who hold up their end of the bargain and try to be better than me. I want to help others reach their objectives even if I can’t make it easier. And when my “friends challenge me and then leave me, I’ll know how to forgive them and welcome them back as a friend..and I’ll win their respect. I will appear when they need me the most but still ask for nothing in return.

A lot of people think I’m a monster..but I think I’m just a bit abnormal. Still, there’s someone who will accept me, right? And for that reason I have to be stronger. Like I said…I’m not normal. I’m the man who’ll change everything!! 

My dream may be stupid but if there is a chance…that I can reach it…than I’ll accept the challenge or die trying. Because truthfully, I don’t want to live. But I’ll still risk life and limb to save others. I’ll fight their enemies and take on the world. Everything to protect the ones I call “friend”. And I’ll show them something they’ve never had before…A home. For they are my friends and that reason is enough to risk my life.

“Who are you?”, “Who is it?”, “Who’s getting in my way?”, “Who’s here?”…Questions I can easily answer. Your challenge. Your competition. Your push. Your pull. Your weight and your lift. 

I am your friend and more,
                 Nicholas Schulte

Hip-Hop rappers for the last decade have been…disappointing…to say the least. Their insults, their choice in lyrics and their choice in how they want the world to view them. Their beats may me good along with their flow. But there’s no deep meaning. It’s all blatantly obvious what they’re complaining about. I’d lost faith in that genre.

And then I hear this song “Thrift Shop”. It had a good beat, good flow, the lyrics were comical and it sparked my curiosity. So I look up the lyrics and meaning. A song about an immigrant coming over to a new country, trying to make his way up in the world with only 20$ in his pocket and trying to find something cheap but good to wear? Couldn’t help but laugh till I realized it was serious.

Now I’m hooked on this artist. His lyrics about how the same gender is still the same love. How his friends, who left a little to soon, are on the otherside waiting for him…patiently. How he scolds other artists for not being more responsible with the power of their own words. 

He’s truly a singer we need in this soon to be lost generation. Hopefully his words will help them find themselves. And in the end, I believe he’s a great to addition to the musical industry. 

He is Mackelmore. He is hope.

When you realize that you were nothing. You’re existence was non-existent. You’re worth was equivalent to nothing and your time was wasted, you can’t help but feel sad. You wasted my time and my money but more importantly my love and affection were also misspent on you. My words filled with love and care fell upon deaf ears and I ended up wallowing in my own depression due to you. I can’t get the months back and what ever happens now will result in my own happiness. But it still doesn’t mean I wish you weren’t a part of it. It’s probably due to lingering feelings but i’ll get over it soon enough. I wasn’t worth your time so you aren’t worth me caring about anymore. Isn’t it odd though how I still wish you cared? The humans mind is annoying and our heart is fickle. This world has no conclusion on more question. But that’s another topic for another time and another realization.

I know for sure there will be someone who reads this blog. But I wonder if there’ll be anyone who “understands” this one…or maybe feel the same way.

Reading books is an enjoyment. At least stories of fantasy, sci-fi, fiction and adventure. But it’s a double-edged sword. I enjoy the stories I read. But in the end I’m conflicted and frustrated. I don’t like it when a story I’ve enjoyed ends. I understand it has to, that there can’t be a sequel or that it’d get worse if the author tried to continue that particular story. But what really gets me…what really tugs at my heart…is the reality of this world I live in. It’s…rotten. Boring. Simple. Not thrilling. I live my days what seems to feel like the same.

Normally there are differences within each day of ours so we know that this is a new tomorrow and what’s behind us is a “yesterday”. But my days…even though the differences are subtle…they just feel the same. They’re ordinary. Plain..and uneventful. And for some reason it hurts…I’m to young to really do anything to change this path I walk. But the characters I read or watch all have this strong will and dream and hope and their days are so fulfilling and eventful. I wonder why I can’t have that. Why can’t this world be like those of the story I read. 

Maybe there’s a hidden chaos I’m unaware of? Maybe I’m just insane for thinking this way…But maybe chaos is what we need in this world to have fun and enjoyment? We strive so hard for peace…but I think I understand the phrase now…”Peace is boring”…? Yes? 

People fear death. It’s supposed to be the second greatest fear in our world (right after public speaking). But I can’t fear it. There’s no bone in my body afraid of death. And I envy people who get to die. Why? Because they get to experience what’s after. Heaven/Hell, reincarnation, maybe they just blow out like a candle and nothing happens after death or their dreams become their reality and they get to live in a world they create and see what “God’s” position is like…do I sound insane yet? I feel like I have no sanity left in me. I cry tears of sadness with burning frustration inside my mind, all while wearing a true, genuine smile. 

But hey…”Genius borderlines insanity”….right?
 

I feel like I’m just getting carried away here. That no matter how hard I try I’ll never reach that goal. It just can’t be the way I want it to be. I just can’t accept that. My stomich is churning. I feel like throwing up, and it’s hard to breath…I’m powerless and I hate myself. My body trembles and I know this feeling all to well. The feeling of wanting something that’s…out of my reach…Almost every night of my life has been like this. I was so close to that dream of mine. But I could never reach it and every night was torture. But now it seems like I can actually look at it head on and that alone makes me so happy that I’m satisfied. But in the back of my mind a voice keeps replaying “If you touch it you’ll get hurt”. But I still try my hardest. Because maybe…If I try my hardest and give it my all..I might even…be able to reach…it. No, How can I think that?! There’s an infinite gap between all of this. But…it’s because now, I…

I can’t reach…No matter how far I stretch out my hand…But…if I stood up? I’d be…a bit closer to that star. And if I walked? Just a few steps? If I took a few steps towards infinity…then what’s left? It doesn’t change…does it. It doesn’t change…It doesn’t change.

But still…just seeing that smile on her face…makes me want to reach as far as I can.

I’m not the only one who notices it, right? How appreciation in a relationship declines as time progresses. In the beginning all the little things you do are acknowledged fully and you’re smothered in their affection for it. But as time goes on the things you do blend in to the background of the “regular” of the relationship.  It might not be because they don’t actually hold gratitude for the one they care for though. It may be just because after a while, all the struggle you go through, all the effort you put in for them, all the work you do…it becomes something of the regular. Which sucks in a way because it’s hard to balance it out and make the incredible things you wanna do for them rare and special.

You want to be there for them…take care of them and show them how much you truly care for them. Always show that YOU appreciate them just…for being yours. But it gets harder the more it seems like your efforts are made meaningless. When it seems like you’re the one constantly doing all that you can just to put a smile on their face.

So you become confused and conflicted when someone else on the sidelines recognizes your efforts and compliments you to let you know how lucky that person must be to have you. And you wonder.. “Would they actually appreciate all the things I do?” But that’s wrong. It’s not that you’re not appreciated now. It’s just that your efforts have become common and hard to differentiate between a special moment and you just expressing your feelings.

The best thing to do would be to slow down. Relax. Maybe even stop doing all the special things for a little while and just see if they notice. Will they? Would they care? Will they finally notice? Or will they wait till the end and yell at you? Claiming “you don’t love them anymore” What do you say then? It’s not like you can say “You don’t appreciate me or the things I do any more.” without losing your man-card. 

So there’s gotta be a way…to tell them…that you miss the acknowledgment. That adoration. The gratitude. 

If you hurt somebody…or if somebody hurts you…the same red blood will be shed. It hardly seems like a path because its a very thin and narrow tube, but it’ll makes its way through the prejudice that makes people fear each other and blood feuds so very easily. This is a path towards a very real bright future and not some empty wish.